Freelance Religion

Wall Print - Salt Lake City Utah

Being an Amateur Theologian

Because I know that time is always time

And place is always and only place

And what is actual is actual only for one time

And only for one place

I rejoice that things are as they are and

I renounce the blessed face

And renounce the voice

Because I cannot hope to turn again

Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something

Upon which to rejoice.

~ “Ash-Wednesday” T.S. Elliot

The Latin root of the word “amateur” means “the love of one’s subject.”   I didn’t always have a love of faith.  In fact, many years struggling to conform and confusing the concepts of obedience, self-worth, love, and happiness, nearly left me unable to think about faith at all.

In all honesty, this was my own failure.  Like many “Mormons,” my limiting factor was how I embraced the theology and eagerly allowed it to be twisted into an all encompassing lifestyle of control.  I wasn’t encouraged to think or explore and obedience was all important.  I was expected to be subservient to my religious collective... seeing my leaders in the place of God as His defined ecclesiastical line of authority here on Earth; as prophets, high priests, and elders, bishops, presidents and counselors, those with the final word to protect sanctioned orthodoxy.  I didn’t feel free to explore my own thoughts and ideas, or express any doubt or confusion.  My undefined spiritual longing went unfulfilled as the structures of that religious life took precedence.

I learned not to think creatively and reason out my own responses but rather to seek out the "approved" or sanction belief if I didn't know and to react "appropriately."  I felt prisoner to my doubts.  I couldn't share them so I ignored them.  Over time, this damaged not only my thinking but my self confidence.  To habitually deflect one's intellect from a healthy bias prevents one from seeing things as they are.  It places the importance on the continuity of the faith at the cost of rational thought and true spiritual growth.

Here lies the crux of my trouble... my over sensitivity to what mainstream Mormons thrive on; the reverence for obedience and the worship of stalwartness.  Looking in on their peculiarity from a perspective more outside, it’s quite shocking and heartbreaking to see how disconnected so many of them have become.  And to have one of them attempt to elevate their malformed, unreasoned, myopic opinion to the status above my equally flawed perspective, well, it offends all logic and reason.  Faith is faith.  Belief requires a certain humility and reverence when compared to actual knowledge.  Those who can’t tell the difference are foolish.

I know my place as an inferior intellect among the gods.  They do not.  And it offends my pride and ego.  Their circular logic and placating tones are like a battle cry in my mind to stand firm against the cultist mindset of Orthodoxy.   And this just can’t be.

I become the hypocrite and the cheat by denying them those things they deny me; mutual respect and the free-agency to find our own way and our own voice.  Instead, I seek two things they can not and will not ever give; their approval and acceptance.

This is my greatest obstacle in life.  I believe it is the principle lesson I have been sent here to learn and it is the fundamental reason for this blog.  This is a forum of self-discovery where I may uncover within myself the key to conquering this failing and allow me to truly be my own amateur theologian... of a freelance religion... where I permit myself to be guided along those paths most needed.

There are many things in religion that I haven’t yet absorbed.  Things that are difficult to see without acknowledging the profound similarities divergent faiths share.  Too often religion attempts to work in isolation... jostling uneasily with one another... downplaying the similarities the bind us all together.

We are asking similar questions and coming up with remarkably similar solutions.  This says something about who and what we are as human beings and what brings us to enlightenment.

I have got to find that common thread for this conversation.  I am dumbfounded by the sectarian doctrine embraced by Orthodoxy.  I need to see what pain and fear lies at the root of it.  They are trying to express an anxiety and answer a question I truly do not understand.  It is too easy to use God horribly to endorse our own fears, loathings, and hatreds.  Most people are not disciplined enough to realize God is NOT just a bigger and better version of ourselves with our likes and dislikes but is a reality quite apart from our own.

This is a mid-voyage course correction of sorts.  I will be reorganizing and redacting some of my previous posts to eliminate the “broken-record” effect currently surfacing here and to better reflect the new voice I wish to develop.

Of Angels and Demons

Plaza Across from The Capitol Theatre - Salt Lake City Utah

Where Faith is Required

Why does faith play such an important role in God’s plan for us?  I’ve often speculated how differently I might conduct myself had I the memories of my previous probation still intact.  It certainly would be easier to operate in a state of knowing but that’s not God’s end goal.

He isn’t looking for well trained creations; beings properly schooled in the correct assumptions and behaviors.  We are the inheritors of a multiverse more fantastic and wonderful than our hopes, dreams, and aspirations could ever dare aspire to.   As such heirs, God needs to provide us an environment where we can exercise the profound and lasting changes that true learning and understanding bring... free from the complications of expectation and desire such knowledge would impart.

In such a faith based existence, how do spiritual manifestations play a part?  The moment we see God, an angel, a loved one since departed, wouldn’t that negate faith?  How about feeling or sensing their presence?  Might that be ok?  Well, if faith is a required part of God’s plan, I would have to say, “no.”  That would be knowledge.  Knowing something to be true is not the same as believing.  It’s either faith or knowledge but never both.

In addition to faith, I truly believe in a cyclical process of life and learning.  Just as my presence hasn’t been requested or required in the pre-existence while I’ve been alive, I struggle to comprehend a need for those who have died to return here either to provide comfort or bare witness.  Such things would deny me my free agency by robing me of faith and replacing it with knowledge.  In this context, angels, demons and all manner of spiritual specters, ghosts or what have you, have no place in my paradigm.

The universe is a pretty complicated place.  The more we learn about it, the more ridiculously complex it becomes.  We passed the point where our limited senses could experience all we know a very long time ago.  Additional dimensions, particles of matter, periods of time all outside our perceivable universe are now known to exist.  Our intellect has evolved beyond a “seeing is believing” universe.

I believe some of those who claim to have been witness to the supernatural.  That is to say, I believe they believe it to be true.  However, due to the faith requirement and semblance of cyclical order evident in our existence, I do not believe such things actual happen...  at least not the way those experiencing them think.

We live and operate in a physical world where much of what happens transpires beyond our threshold of perception.  The dimensions of time and space, everything we can experience, are just the mountaintops of what’s really going on.  Every so often the mists clear just enough that we almost become aware of the plains and valleys far below.  In attempting to make sense of the inconceivable, our minds develop constructs influenced by our passions and experience that are more understandable to us by creatively filling in the perception gaps.  As strange as this might seem, we’re all very adept at doing it.  In fact, the brain does it all the time.  

My maternal grandmother suffered from macular degeneration.  Over time she developed blind spots in her vision.  Instead of seeing black blotches everywhere, she reported that she would often see the background of a scene just fine.  It was only when something was moving across it in the foreground did she notice something odd... as an object moved into her blind spot, it would wink out as if invisible and then suddenly appear again when it exited.

And it’s not only vision.  We are capable of this with all our other senses.  Touch, smell, and hearing are equally manipulated.  Even logic is aided in this manner.  Instead of crunching through mountains of data each and every time we are presented with a particular situation, we use past personal experience, our current emotional state, and our immediate desires and expectations to devise short cuts in assessing a circumstance.  It’s a natural and beneficial result of intellectual evolution.

It is my firm belief spiritual manifestations are a result of what I might call assumptive sensory stereotyping where our emotional state and the uneasy near realization of things just beyond our comprehension collide.  In a life where faith is required, angels and demons cannot be allowed access and there is strict separations between realms.

This is not to say there is no value or meaning in such experiences because they are fueled by deep seated needs and desires.  As personal scripture, revelation, dreams, or visions, they are of allegorical importance whose meaning must be explored and understood.

“The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation

is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life.” 

~Julie B. Beck

The Evolution of God

From State Hwy. 128 near the Colorado River - Utah

From Yahweh to Adonai

In Mormon theology, Elohim is God the Father, Yahweh or Jehovah is The Son. This differs from the etymology of faith gleaned from the archeological and written record.

The word “Elohim” occurs more than 2500 times in the Hebrew Bible but it means something quite different than God the Father’s actual name... it’s used as a common noun.  Uniquely, it is both singular and plural even though it carries the plural suffix “im.”   Yahweh is frequently referred to as the Elohim of Israel or God of Israel.  In the same token, Exodus 12:12 speaks of the Elohim of Egypt or Gods of Egypt.  In 1 Samuel 28:13, the witch of Endor tells Saul she sees elohim or spirits coming up out of the Earth.  It is only after the Babylonian conquest that Yahweh is replaced with Elohim as God’s referred to name.  There also was a shift in the sanctity of the name.  It was increasingly regarded as too sacred to be uttered and Adonai, “My Lord”, came into ritual use.   Today, haShem or “The Name” is used in conversation.  They all refer to the same diety, God.

I know biblical literalists will insist our monotheistic worship of God has its roots with the first man, Adam, and was codified under Moses.  Actually, like most belief systems, it was an answer to a socio-economical problem and evolved over time.

Yahweh worship stems from the pre-Israelite peoples all across the Levant and was shared by many cultures.  In fact, ancient Judaism was polytheistic with a pantheon of various local gods borrowing heavily from West Semite, Phoenician,  and Canaanite traditions.  Given the worship of Asherah as consort to Yahweh right up to the destruction of the temple by Babylonian forces, monotheism didn’t become prevalent among the Jews until the 6th century BCE.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “this doesn’t sound anything like what I read in the Old Testament.”  Well, you’d be right.  It isn’t... for good reason.

We might want to think of tradition as something immoveable and constant.  It’s not.  It can change... and change quickly.  Within a few short generations, the Jews went from a polytheistic society dominated by the worship of Yahweh to the monotheistic one centered on Elohim... purging “foreign influences” along the way through clever retelling of the familiar stories reflecting a newer evolved spirituality.  Anthropologists believe this took place as Jews sought a common identity more distinct from their neighbors and captors.

Now, it wasn’t just the name or number of gods that changed.  Depending on the particular period in Jewish history, God has taken on strikingly different characteristics.  He has been portrayed as violent, bloodthirsty, and vengeful to loving, nurturing, and forgiving.... the creator of life, the harbinger of death... patient, impulsive... and everything in between.  There are interesting geo-political correlations where shifts in regional power or prosperity influenced this evolving spiritual heritage of billions.

We can follow the evolution of our faith clear back into pre-history.  Something never spawns from nothing... even where God is concerned.  Faith and belief have always been a reaction to something.  It is the answer to a question and answers change to meet the questions.  Religion evolves much like life.  It has always been this way and continues on even today.

In the early days of the Mormon faith, gifts of the spirit were common place during Sunday meetings.  From speaking in tongues, seeing ministering spirits, to the working of miracles; it was once said these things defined the true church of God... these days, God is a little less Las Vegas.  Now, I think the most exciting thing to happen during Sacrament Meeting might be someone bursting into tears.  The days of revival, so common on the frontier in those early years, are gone.  We tend to want something a bit more dignified and solemn.  This modern view is also reflected in our perception of God.  From destroyer of nations to quiet patriarch... God, it seems, is what we choose him to be.

The Dangers of Indoctrination

Front Yard - Childhood Home

My Confession of Childhood

I can’t help but feel a pang of remorse.  I know my parents only wish was to share and instill in us something they valued more than anything else, their faith.  Unfortunately, in their enthusiasm, they failed to offer any real choice.

I don’t blame them for that particular.  Like many sects, Mormonism isn’t equipped to accommodate choice.  It teaches you what to think but not necessarily how to think... it certainly frowns on questioning authority and rejects outright any divergent doctrine or ideas.

Within our family, I do believe my parents allowed us a certain level of spiritual autonomy but I can’t shake the belief that they only did that hoping our larger church community would act as the real pressuring agent to conform.  They certainly did precious little to protect us from it.  Instead, they counseled us to be obedient and embrace the ideology and communal responsibilities of our chosen religion.

As a youth, I saw what conflict and ostracism a questioning voice brought down upon my second sister.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not believe she was any more clued in than the rest of us but she did effectively identify the injustice of our spiritual indoctrination.  So I dealt with that impossible situation the only way I knew how... unconditional surrender.  I didn’t fully accept this fact until recent adulthood.

Surrender is an awful thing.  You might have had all the reason in the world to do it... it might have even been the best decision at the time given the alternatives... but after the fact, when the danger is past, it feels cheap, dirty, and indefensible.  Inevitably, the victim defines their perpetrator the very same way.

“A university is not a political party, and an education is not an indoctrination.”

~ David Horowitz