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| Wall Print - Salt Lake City Utah |
Being an Amateur Theologian
Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessed face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice.
~ “Ash-Wednesday” T.S. Elliot
The Latin root of the word “amateur” means “the love of one’s subject.” I didn’t always have a love of faith. In fact, many years struggling to conform and confusing the concepts of obedience, self-worth, love, and happiness, nearly left me unable to think about faith at all.
In all honesty, this was my own failure. Like many “Mormons,” my limiting factor was how I embraced the theology and eagerly allowed it to be twisted into an all encompassing lifestyle of control. I wasn’t encouraged to think or explore and obedience was all important. I was expected to be subservient to my religious collective... seeing my leaders in the place of God as His defined ecclesiastical line of authority here on Earth; as prophets, high priests, and elders, bishops, presidents and counselors, those with the final word to protect sanctioned orthodoxy. I didn’t feel free to explore my own thoughts and ideas, or express any doubt or confusion. My undefined spiritual longing went unfulfilled as the structures of that religious life took precedence.
I learned not to think creatively and reason out my own responses but rather to seek out the "approved" or sanction belief if I didn't know and to react "appropriately." I felt prisoner to my doubts. I couldn't share them so I ignored them. Over time, this damaged not only my thinking but my self confidence. To habitually deflect one's intellect from a healthy bias prevents one from seeing things as they are. It places the importance on the continuity of the faith at the cost of rational thought and true spiritual growth.
Here lies the crux of my trouble... my over sensitivity to what mainstream Mormons thrive on; the reverence for obedience and the worship of stalwartness. Looking in on their peculiarity from a perspective more outside, it’s quite shocking and heartbreaking to see how disconnected so many of them have become. And to have one of them attempt to elevate their malformed, unreasoned, myopic opinion to the status above my equally flawed perspective, well, it offends all logic and reason. Faith is faith. Belief requires a certain humility and reverence when compared to actual knowledge. Those who can’t tell the difference are foolish.
I know my place as an inferior intellect among the gods. They do not. And it offends my pride and ego. Their circular logic and placating tones are like a battle cry in my mind to stand firm against the cultist mindset of Orthodoxy. And this just can’t be.
I become the hypocrite and the cheat by denying them those things they deny me; mutual respect and the free-agency to find our own way and our own voice. Instead, I seek two things they can not and will not ever give; their approval and acceptance.
This is my greatest obstacle in life. I believe it is the principle lesson I have been sent here to learn and it is the fundamental reason for this blog. This is a forum of self-discovery where I may uncover within myself the key to conquering this failing and allow me to truly be my own amateur theologian... of a freelance religion... where I permit myself to be guided along those paths most needed.
There are many things in religion that I haven’t yet absorbed. Things that are difficult to see without acknowledging the profound similarities divergent faiths share. Too often religion attempts to work in isolation... jostling uneasily with one another... downplaying the similarities the bind us all together.
We are asking similar questions and coming up with remarkably similar solutions. This says something about who and what we are as human beings and what brings us to enlightenment.
I have got to find that common thread for this conversation. I am dumbfounded by the sectarian doctrine embraced by Orthodoxy. I need to see what pain and fear lies at the root of it. They are trying to express an anxiety and answer a question I truly do not understand. It is too easy to use God horribly to endorse our own fears, loathings, and hatreds. Most people are not disciplined enough to realize God is NOT just a bigger and better version of ourselves with our likes and dislikes but is a reality quite apart from our own.
This is a mid-voyage course correction of sorts. I will be reorganizing and redacting some of my previous posts to eliminate the “broken-record” effect currently surfacing here and to better reflect the new voice I wish to develop.
