Freelance Religion

Wall Print - Salt Lake City Utah

Being an Amateur Theologian

Because I know that time is always time

And place is always and only place

And what is actual is actual only for one time

And only for one place

I rejoice that things are as they are and

I renounce the blessed face

And renounce the voice

Because I cannot hope to turn again

Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something

Upon which to rejoice.

~ “Ash-Wednesday” T.S. Elliot

The Latin root of the word “amateur” means “the love of one’s subject.”   I didn’t always have a love of faith.  In fact, many years struggling to conform and confusing the concepts of obedience, self-worth, love, and happiness, nearly left me unable to think about faith at all.

In all honesty, this was my own failure.  Like many “Mormons,” my limiting factor was how I embraced the theology and eagerly allowed it to be twisted into an all encompassing lifestyle of control.  I wasn’t encouraged to think or explore and obedience was all important.  I was expected to be subservient to my religious collective... seeing my leaders in the place of God as His defined ecclesiastical line of authority here on Earth; as prophets, high priests, and elders, bishops, presidents and counselors, those with the final word to protect sanctioned orthodoxy.  I didn’t feel free to explore my own thoughts and ideas, or express any doubt or confusion.  My undefined spiritual longing went unfulfilled as the structures of that religious life took precedence.

I learned not to think creatively and reason out my own responses but rather to seek out the "approved" or sanction belief if I didn't know and to react "appropriately."  I felt prisoner to my doubts.  I couldn't share them so I ignored them.  Over time, this damaged not only my thinking but my self confidence.  To habitually deflect one's intellect from a healthy bias prevents one from seeing things as they are.  It places the importance on the continuity of the faith at the cost of rational thought and true spiritual growth.

Here lies the crux of my trouble... my over sensitivity to what mainstream Mormons thrive on; the reverence for obedience and the worship of stalwartness.  Looking in on their peculiarity from a perspective more outside, it’s quite shocking and heartbreaking to see how disconnected so many of them have become.  And to have one of them attempt to elevate their malformed, unreasoned, myopic opinion to the status above my equally flawed perspective, well, it offends all logic and reason.  Faith is faith.  Belief requires a certain humility and reverence when compared to actual knowledge.  Those who can’t tell the difference are foolish.

I know my place as an inferior intellect among the gods.  They do not.  And it offends my pride and ego.  Their circular logic and placating tones are like a battle cry in my mind to stand firm against the cultist mindset of Orthodoxy.   And this just can’t be.

I become the hypocrite and the cheat by denying them those things they deny me; mutual respect and the free-agency to find our own way and our own voice.  Instead, I seek two things they can not and will not ever give; their approval and acceptance.

This is my greatest obstacle in life.  I believe it is the principle lesson I have been sent here to learn and it is the fundamental reason for this blog.  This is a forum of self-discovery where I may uncover within myself the key to conquering this failing and allow me to truly be my own amateur theologian... of a freelance religion... where I permit myself to be guided along those paths most needed.

There are many things in religion that I haven’t yet absorbed.  Things that are difficult to see without acknowledging the profound similarities divergent faiths share.  Too often religion attempts to work in isolation... jostling uneasily with one another... downplaying the similarities the bind us all together.

We are asking similar questions and coming up with remarkably similar solutions.  This says something about who and what we are as human beings and what brings us to enlightenment.

I have got to find that common thread for this conversation.  I am dumbfounded by the sectarian doctrine embraced by Orthodoxy.  I need to see what pain and fear lies at the root of it.  They are trying to express an anxiety and answer a question I truly do not understand.  It is too easy to use God horribly to endorse our own fears, loathings, and hatreds.  Most people are not disciplined enough to realize God is NOT just a bigger and better version of ourselves with our likes and dislikes but is a reality quite apart from our own.

This is a mid-voyage course correction of sorts.  I will be reorganizing and redacting some of my previous posts to eliminate the “broken-record” effect currently surfacing here and to better reflect the new voice I wish to develop.

The Purpose of Life and Living

At The E-Center - West Valley City Utah

Enduring to the End

And the Dangers of the Obedience Test

Why are we here?  What is the purpose for all creation?  Actually, those fundamental questions can be answered simply; to learn.  But what are we here to learn?  Hmm... there are as many answers to that question as their are people, past, present, and future... and it takes a complete lifetime to answer it just for ourselves.

One thing I believe we all have in common is that our Eternal Father wants us to gain practical knowledge.  You know, the kind that helps us develop common sense... not just book smarts.  There is no sense in learning anything if we don’t understand what it means and how it effects us personally.

This type of practical knowledge requires active learning, that is to say, learning by doing.  Human beings are terrible messes but we are messes by design.  Getting messy, taking chances, and making mistakes are all required to uncover the secrets behind morality’s do’s and don’ts.  It’s the why’s and not the what’s that grant us wisdom.

Now, I am not saying we shouldn’t learn from other people’s mistakes when we can.  I’m just saying we all have our blind spots... those areas of our psyche where we just can’t look ourselves.  In those select situations, we can only see what’s real and right and what’s not through error and repentance.  That just defines us as human.

I know there are a lot of different ideas out there as to what the act of “repentance” really entails.  The etymology of the word only confounds the issue.  Conceptually, it’s actually astonishingly simple and quite contrary to what we have been lead to believe.  Repentance is the act of learning from our mistakes... no more, no less.  No deal making with God.  No expressions of guilt and remorse.  And certainly no periods of probation.  True repentance is a joyous realization and, in the very real sense, IS the very act of learning itself.

If we understand the principles of progression as outlined in the Plan of Salvation, we know the active learning process never ends until perfection is achieved and it is predicated on choice.

Choice is synonymous with free agency.  Now, this is really important... to have free agency, we must have real choice.  The choice between right and wrong... good and evil... eternal life and everlasting darkness aren’t real choices.  Who would chose wrong, evil, and everlasting darkness?

For proper and healthy learning, there must be viable options in which we may operate to work out our own salvation.  We must learn to live honestly, question openly, and repent candidly free from judgement or reprisal.  In essence, we must be allowed to repeatedly step beyond the comfortable and into the unknown to grow in wisdom and spirit knowing the only wrong choice is not choosing.

Good intentions aside, religious institutions always risk robbing us of our free agency in exchange for the “safe” harbor of orthodoxy.  They promise a pre-determined plan to exaltation; the hard work done, the trail blazed and paved, convenient road map provided.  Basically, all that is left for us to do is subscribe and follow... “enduring to the end” as if everything we need to know has been laid before us.  Our only dues for such a service is our obedience.

Like shopping the supermarket meat counter and calling it hunting, there is a disconnect.  The what’s become more important than the why’s.  Uniformity of thought and action become prized above the human tendency to question and explore.  Error and repentance take on a negative connotation.  The cycle of learning is broken.

God does not reward blind obedience.  Lower animal life can be trained to do all sorts of things.  As His offspring, He wants much more from us.  Life is not about obedience.  It isn’t about surrendering control of one’s life to the whims of anyone... oddly, not even God’s.  We all hate a Yes-Man.  God wants us to mature and think for ourselves.  He wants us to uncover the truths behind the commandments.  If we just learn the rules and live by them, we risk missing the whole point of living.

“What’s right for most people in most situations 

isn’t right for everyone in every situation!  

Real morality lies in following one’s own heart.”  

~ Portia Charney